How did I get here…
“… I turned around and there you were, I didn’t think twice or rationalize because somehow I knew…
That there was more than just chemistry. I mean, I knew you were kind of into me, but I figured it’s too good to be true….”
– Miley Cyrus – One in a Million
I seldom, very seldom write about the good stuff while it’s still good. I think it’s sort of a jinx, or at least that has been my experience. These past 3 years have been of the hardest of my life. I am so glad that I got through with most of my faith intact.
I haven’t gone to church in a while, but I think that soon I will return. I used to feel uncomfortable going to church alone… People can be so hypocritical and I felt like a hypocrite going in there with my son, with no husband to speak of. This is why my name is Sincere Hypocrite though… because I am a hypocrite, but at least I don’t try to deny it… Anyway, this is getting off topic.
I have made a lot of mistakes. I couldn’t even begin to list them all… I couldn’t even begin… but I’m blessed enough to have these friends. These wonderful, unconditional friends that are there for me, even when I am in the thick of yet another mistake. It’s a feeling that I cannot describe other than saying that I feel loved… and that is the understatement of the century.
If you look back a few weeks in my blog (if you are reading this from MySpace) you will see a completely different person. You will see a girl that still doesn’t know. She still runs from her problems even though she preaches the flaws in that stance. She is scared that her life is falling apart right in front of her face, and that might have been true…three weeks ago… But this week, well, this week, things are changing. This week the girl almost lost two of her best friends in one fell swoop and that was a wake-up call. I have found my catalyst for change and it feels GOOD.
I think that I am making a good decision at this juncture… I am still the teeniest bit scared, but to put it into terms that I’ve heard recently, it’s “comfortable”… but in the good way. I like that word in this sense…
I want to put a label to all of this… Put it in a neat little box that I know where to find and be able to keep it with me always… Just so I know that I always have the ability to feel this. Do I? Do I even deserve to?
I am used to living my life without regret. Regret is a silly, silly waste of energy. Every thing that you do and accomplish in your life is the result of something else that you have done, be it good, bad, or even hurtful. I made a mistake this past weekend, and even though it hurt people (and angered people) in ways that I could not fathom, I wouldn’t take it back for the world… Because the same people that it hurt (or angered) it also helped me to understand. It helped me be a better friend, and it helped snap me out of whatever craziness had taken over my life this past month. I instantly regretted the decision I made, but not long after, I became thankful of the decision… Because it was only then, when I was faced with the consequences of it, that I realized how deep my feelings ran for these people that I unintentionally hurt.
Crazy, right? That’s just the world according to Heather.
We all want progress, but if you’re on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive.
