And then there are days…
…I am so happy right now. I hate that word, truly I do. It just doesn’t do this feeling any justice. My son makes me happy. I want to give him credit, because he is part of what has made me who I am… and when I look back to blogs I wrote in ’04 and ’05 I was so much worse than I am now. He has given my life meaning. I need to be a better mother though. 
I’ve taken the step. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a real “labelled” relationship, but that is where I am right now. This is the happiest that I’ve been in a relationship since… umm, Ryan? That was 04… so 4 years. It’s not that I don’t like to be in relationships. I’m just no good at them as I’ve said in the past. Mike is a lot like Ryan, except not such a pushover… Also Mike and I have a lot more in common. Plus, I know him better than I knew Ryan when we first started dating, and we were friends first. I’ll admit, that though that is the best policy (you know, friends first), I have never actually participated in it. I generally care too much for my friends and I think that I am pretty much no good to anyone. Michael (I know I’ve been saying Mike, but I really dislike nicknames, as you all know, so from now on I’ll refer to my lovely Mike, as Michael) makes me want to be a better person. I want to try, for once.
As things move forward, I realize just how messed up all the stuff with Marshall has left me. I didn’t realize how badly I had let him affect me, but it should have been obvious. I have always been the girl looking for love. I love love, but after 2 years of the worst relationshit on record, I wanted to be numb. I spent all this time worried that something was wrong with me…and maybe that was why I couldn’t feel anything romantic for anyone, but really it was preference. Now I am dealing with the ghosts. I am dealing with all those nagging insecurities that you are left with when the man that you did anything for cheats on you over 15 times in one year. Things like: I’m not good enough, not pretty enough, why is he with me, is he playing me, I’m bad in bed, he’s just using me… I don’t feel all of those at once, just from time to time, and with Michael… sometimes I’m lucky enough to not feel them at all.
Over time, I imagine, that I will get over all those ridiculous feelings. I know that I am good enough. I was a good wife. I did everything that I could do to make him happy and he was the one that was damaged. There was no making it work with someone that had no wish to. I know that I am pretty enough… I have wonderful friends that tell me so all the time. Michael tells me just often enough that I don’t think he is insincere. I know why he is with me, because it’s the same reason that I am with him. He’s beautiful, and funny, and he GETS me. I also know why Marshall isn’t with me, and that is because I finally realized that enough is enough and I was too good for him. I know that Michael isn’t playing me. I don’t think he ever will, but that is one of those things that is going to be harder to move past and I am so sorry for that. I know that I am not bad in bed. I have never, ever, ever been told this… I’ve only ever received compliments, and sometimes, you just KNOW. I know that Michael is not using me… and I have never even stopped to consider this, but in the past when I’ve tried before to get into a relationship it has plagued me.
So I am in a good place. I know that my friends are happy for me, and I love them so much for it. I’m pretty much in love with my life right now. It couldn’t possibly be any better (well, it could be better, but that will wait)… I’ve never gone so fast from the worst of days to the best… and like Mike (I go back and forth) says “happiness is just three minutes down the road.”
I love you all, some more than others,
Heather
