Just the beginning.
It’s amazing how one day it seems like your whole world is going to fall apart. You are short on just about everything that matters. You are short on time, short on friends, short on money, short on aspirations, short on faith.. The last part is the worst, because you can be short on everything else and still know that everything is going to work out, but once you lose just a little of that faith things start to get rough.. And you start getting short on that stuff that makes you, you. You start becoming short on spirit, short on drive, short on compassion.. and that just ends you up worse…
That’s where I’ve been these past months.. Worried, stressed, angry with myself. It’s hard. I made a major decision. One that will affect for some time to come and sometimes I wonder if it was the right one. Sure, life is harder now, but in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years from now my life will be so much better.. and it will be worth it, right? I have faith that it will. I have faith that God led me down this path and knows so much better than I do how it’s all going to turn out.
I am almost caught up (for the first time in MONTHS, technically YEARS) on my bills. My debt has been reorganized and will also be paid off. My family is safe and provided for. Nothing is in danger of being turned off or seized and Hunter has another week paid up on his daycare, we have food in the pantry… and on top of all that I still have enough in the bank to get gas until next payday or anything else I might find necessary. I can learn to live like this. If I can learn to live on $700 less than before, imagine how it will be in 34 months when I don’t have to anymore. That’s all I can look at right now. I am focusing on the silver lining.
I’m getting married in November, to the best man I’ve ever known, ever loved. I couldn’t be more blessed. New baby is well underway and I am not so scared as I was. Things are so good and I am getting everything in my life back onto the track that an intelligent young woman should be on. Fixing all those things that have stood in my way in the past. In 5 years I will have left all these bad habits and this bad stuff behind. I can be more than my history and I CAN finish something that I start. I just have to prove it to myself first.
Anyway, the point is I’m starting to feel it. I feel as if 100 lbs has been lifted off my shoulders, and this is only just the beginning.
