That’s where I’ve been these past months.. Worried, stressed, angry with myself. It’s hard. I made a major decision. One that will affect for some time to come and sometimes I wonder if it was the right one. Sure, life is harder now, but in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years from now my life will be so much better.. and it will be worth it, right? I have faith that it will. I have faith that God led me down this path and knows so much better than I do how it’s all going to turn out.

I am almost caught up (for the first time in MONTHS, technically YEARS) on my bills. My debt has been reorganized and will also be paid off. My family is safe and provided for. Nothing is in danger of being turned off or seized and Hunter has another week paid up on his daycare, we have food in the pantry… and on top of all that I still have enough in the bank to get gas until next payday or anything else I might find necessary. I can learn to live like this. If I can learn to live on $700 less than before, imagine how it will be in 34 months when I don’t have to anymore. That’s all I can look at right now. I am focusing on the silver lining.

I’m getting married in November, to the best man I’ve ever known, ever loved. I couldn’t be more blessed. New baby is well underway and I am not so scared as I was. Things are so good and I am getting everything in my life back onto the track that an intelligent young woman should be on. Fixing all those things that have stood in my way in the past. In 5 years I will have left all these bad habits and this bad stuff behind. I can be more than my history and I CAN finish something that I start. I just have to prove it to myself first.

Anyway, the point is I’m starting to feel it. I feel as if 100 lbs has been lifted off my shoulders, and this is only just the beginning.

I’ve taken the step. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a real “labelled” relationship, but that is where I am right now. This is the happiest that I’ve been in a relationship since… umm, Ryan? That was 04… so 4 years. It’s not that I don’t like to be in relationships. I’m just no good at them as I’ve said in the past. Mike is a lot like Ryan, except not such a pushover… Also Mike and I have a lot more in common. Plus, I know him better than I knew Ryan when we first started dating, and we were friends first. I’ll admit, that though that is the best policy (you know, friends first), I have never actually participated in it. I generally care too much for my friends and I think that I am pretty much no good to anyone. Michael (I know I’ve been saying Mike, but I really dislike nicknames, as you all know, so from now on I’ll refer to my lovely Mike, as Michael) makes me want to be a better person. I want to try, for once.

As things move forward, I realize just how messed up all the stuff with Marshall has left me. I didn’t realize how badly I had let him affect me, but it should have been obvious. I have always been the girl looking for love. I love love, but after 2 years of the worst relationshit on record, I wanted to be numb. I spent all this time worried that something was wrong with me…and maybe that was why I couldn’t feel anything romantic for anyone, but really it was preference. Now I am dealing with the ghosts. I am dealing with all those nagging insecurities that you are left with when the man that you did anything for cheats on you over 15 times in one year. Things like: I’m not good enough, not pretty enough, why is he with me, is he playing me, I’m bad in bed, he’s just using me… I don’t feel all of those at once, just from time to time, and with Michael… sometimes I’m lucky enough to not feel them at all.

Over time, I imagine, that I will get over all those ridiculous feelings. I know that I am good enough. I was a good wife. I did everything that I could do to make him happy and he was the one that was damaged. There was no making it work with someone that had no wish to. I know that I am pretty enough… I have wonderful friends that tell me so all the time. Michael tells me just often enough that I don’t think he is insincere. I know why he is with me, because it’s the same reason that I am with him. He’s beautiful, and funny, and he GETS me. I also know why Marshall isn’t with me, and that is because I finally realized that enough is enough and I was too good for him. I know that Michael isn’t playing me. I don’t think he ever will, but that is one of those things that is going to be harder to move past and I am so sorry for that. I know that I am not bad in bed. I have never, ever, ever been told this… I’ve only ever received compliments, and sometimes, you just KNOW. I know that Michael is not using me… and I have never even stopped to consider this, but in the past when I’ve tried before to get into a relationship it has plagued me.

So I am in a good place. I know that my friends are happy for me, and I love them so much for it. I’m pretty much in love with my life right now. It couldn’t possibly be any better (well, it could be better, but that will wait)… I’ve never gone so fast from the worst of days to the best… and like Mike (I go back and forth) says “happiness is just three minutes down the road.”

I love you all, some more than others,
Heather

Dovear knows me better than anyone on this planet. We have more stories that I could ever write… more adventures than I could ever blog and I am heartbroken.

These past few days, I have spent an inordinate amount of time searching through my old blogs… I had a livejournal for YEARS… No real updates though, in a year or so… I have MySpace which I try to update regularly… and then this which doesn’t really have anything that my MySpace doesn’t have, because I take these and post them to MySpace at the end of each day. Anyway… losing the point…

I still think of myself as depressed most of the time, but when I look back and read my old blogs, it’s like, ‘whoa, I never realized how far gone I was.’ I’m downright giddy compared to how I was back then. I am also pretty stupid now compared to how I was back then. I really, REALLY want to get back into school. I must. This beimg out of school shit is reaking havoc on my writing skills and my wit. I used to be so damn clever… and so damn angry at the world. I sort of think that I had right to be a little angry at the world though.

That was back in the day when Derrick and Zhane ruled my world… instead of me ruling my own. That was back when my best friends were ALWAYS there. We always had something to do on Saturday night and the few times we didn’t, we made up for it with Strip Poker and trips to Rocky. I miss Rocky too. I can’t wait until Hunter is a bit older and I can take him up there. I just want things to be normal. Not the way they were before, but not like they are now… Maybe a mix of the two… Maybe Dovear comes to visit on the weekend and I get just drunk enough, but not falling over. And Derrick and I have a functioning friendship again, without all the bullshit… And Kay is back in Texas and we can eat Gringo’s every other Saturday (where Jayden and make infrequent trips out to T-Town or some equally ridiculous club for me to be in… And I integrate my new best friends too… Sundays are spent on the beach with Mike and Andrea and Hunter is playing in the sand with Jayden, while Kay and Dovear and Mike and Andrea and myself watch and laugh about whatever it is that has just been said. I would love to be able to blog memories like that…

Nothing will ever go back to the way it was in high school. It’s a wonder that I was so sad back then, because all I have are the fond memories. I wish that I understood myself a little more.

Anyway… I have to get back to annoying time sheets.

I love you all,
Heather

Well, today was supposed to be the trial. There were 19 of us at that courtroom ready to stand up and defend Edwin’s right to freedom, because he doesn’t deserve to be thrown into prison again. He has been making such a big effort and I couldn’t begin to tell you all of the things that he has done for me. The trial didn’t happen… and now the 19 has been wittled down to 4, because the other 15 could do no more than say… “Hi, I’m so and so, I’m here to say that Edwin Eddie is a great guy, and deserves a second shot at probation.” That’s all well and good, and it’s great that Edwin has so many friends willing to show up and take time for him, but what he needs is the reasoning behind the reschedules and proof that he really did sincerely try to meet the scheduled dates, but was unable to…due to circumstances beyond his control. The people that can do that are his mother, his father, and myself. Sunshine (his “fiance”) is going to give testimony too, but as to what she will say, I am not sure. Prolly something close to what Andrea jokingly said she would say “Like, let him out, um, because, you know, he’s too good in bed to be in jail…” Yah, ditz. Can you tell how much I love her? Not so much, let me tell you…

Anyway… now I am stuck trying to remember shit from NINE months ago… down to the exact date that they occur. There are 9 instances they are trying to account for and four of them I am responsible for. So this means that his freedom, literally, lies in my hands. That’s a lot of pressure, because I really, REALLY love him. And 20 is just too damn young to spend 8 years in prison.

The point is… Pray for me… This is making me sad.

Love you all,
Heather

“… I turned around and there you were, I didn’t think twice or rationalize because somehow I knew…

That there was more than just chemistry. I mean, I knew you were kind of into me, but I figured it’s too good to be true….”

– Miley Cyrus – One in a Million

I seldom, very seldom write about the good stuff while it’s still good. I think it’s sort of a jinx, or at least that has been my experience. These past 3 years have been of the hardest of my life. I am so glad that I got through with most of my faith intact.

I haven’t gone to church in a while, but I think that soon I will return. I used to feel uncomfortable going to church alone… People can be so hypocritical and I felt like a hypocrite going in there with my son, with no husband to speak of. This is why my name is Sincere Hypocrite though… because I am a hypocrite, but at least I don’t try to deny it… Anyway, this is getting off topic.

I have made a lot of mistakes. I couldn’t even begin to list them all… I couldn’t even begin… but I’m blessed enough to have these friends. These wonderful, unconditional friends that are there for me, even when I am in the thick of yet another mistake. It’s a feeling that I cannot describe other than saying that I feel loved… and that is the understatement of the century.

If you look back a few weeks in my blog (if you are reading this from MySpace) you will see a completely different person. You will see a girl that still doesn’t know. She still runs from her problems even though she preaches the flaws in that stance. She is scared that her life is falling apart right in front of her face, and that might have been true…three weeks ago… But this week, well, this week, things are changing. This week the girl almost lost two of her best friends in one fell swoop and that was a wake-up call. I have found my catalyst for change and it feels GOOD.

I think that I am making a good decision at this juncture… I am still the teeniest bit scared, but to put it into terms that I’ve heard recently, it’s “comfortable”… but in the good way. I like that word in this sense…

I want to put a label to all of this… Put it in a neat little box that I know where to find and be able to keep it with me always… Just so I know that I always have the ability to feel this. Do I? Do I even deserve to?

I am used to living my life without regret. Regret is a silly, silly waste of energy. Every thing that you do and accomplish in your life is the result of something else that you have done, be it good, bad, or even hurtful. I made a mistake this past weekend, and even though it hurt people (and angered people) in ways that I could not fathom, I wouldn’t take it back for the world… Because the same people that it hurt (or angered) it also helped me to understand. It helped me be a better friend, and it helped snap me out of whatever craziness had taken over my life this past month. I instantly regretted the decision I made, but not long after, I became thankful of the decision… Because it was only then, when I was faced with the consequences of it, that I realized how deep my feelings ran for these people that I unintentionally hurt.

Crazy, right? That’s just the world according to Heather.

It’s been nearly a year since I have done an update on my life… I just posted 6 new blogs from the past month, but none of them explain what I’ve gone through since July of last year…

Marshall… this is probably what I’ll get the most questions about… which is understandable. I have not seen Marshall since October 5^th, 2007. That’s Hunter’s birthday. He turned one that day… that’s the day that Marshall chose to leave… I got one phone call in early December. I am pursuing a termination of his parental rights. Hunter is going to be a Hughes. Don’t feel sorry for me, though, because Marshall never treated me well, and I deserve better.

Work… I changed jobs from BP in October too… October 14^th I think was my last day… I went to Lyondell for a few months, but I was unhappy, and I guess it showed, because I was terminated. I’m at DuPont now. I love it. I love the people. It’s like BP all over again…

Home… I was evicted from the apartment that I could afford without Marshall a few days after Christmas. I lost everything. I’m starting over. I stayed with my morally degrading mother for a few months and I am now moved into a little house that I love in La Marque. I live with one of my best friends, but I made sure that it was a situation that I could afford on my own if need be. The situation with my mother about killed me.

Dating?? … To me dating is like a failed experiment, but I’m moving in a good direction, as of yesterday. Time will tell…

Love you all,

Heather

All of them mean so much to me, and I know that I am not always the greatest at explaining to them what they mean to me… or showing it…

Each of my friends offers something to me that is unique and cherished… I am going to start with 5 or 6 today… in NO PARTICULAR ORDER… Except maybe based on who is the most likely to actually read this.

Kay – Gosh I love you. I have more history with Kay than anyone else. We’ve fought, we been through marriages… divorces (in my case, sort of)… child births… tears… graduations… triumphs… failures… first dates… first loves… first times… broken homes… broken hearts… I moved a lot in my life before coming to settle in Dickinson. Kay was my first REAL best friend. I love her more than my own life. She’s the girl that always knows the first moment I get on the phone if it was a good day or a bad day… We can go a few months without talking, but we’re always able to just pick right back up where we left off. Kay is one of those sister friends that you always need. She is my sister, forever.

Mike & Andrea – Mike… What can I say? I adore him. Mike gets me… mostly. The rest he’s picking up on fast. He knows that I’m royally fucked up in the head, but he goes through it with me… I hope he thinks I’m worth it in the end. I think he’s worth the fear.  When Andrea, Mike, and I are together we laugh… that’s what we do. We are always smiling or laughing or coptering (Mike knows what I mean)… Sometimes we laugh so hard we cry and our sides hurt and our faces hurt and our ulcers hate us… but it’s worth it… and there is no other way about it, because we can’t not laugh (that double negative actually pained me). In any mood, we are jovial. We generally have a mutual respect and care for the other. We have love. We have camaraderie and companionship and so much fun it’s ridiculous… We don’t have to go out… sure, we like to, but with us, it’s unnecessary. We can have the same amount of fun in our empty living room, or a windy beach, or a bed that fits three (and not in the dirty sense, well, not always)… Love those Sexy Sandwiches… I considered making separate entries for Mike and Andrea, but it would have been pretty redundant, seeing as we do everything together as a unit. Andrea… goodness gracious have we been through a lot in our short friendship. Well, not short… 2 years, but short compared to a lot of my others. Andrea is my knight-ess in shining Thunderbird (but it’s not really all that shiny …) She has had to deal with so much shit from me that she didn’t deserve, but still loves me. I love her too, and even though she’s actually younger than me, she is like an older sister to me. If only I could be such a good older sister to Erin…

Dovear – I’ve loved this man since we were 13 years old… In a strictly platonic way, of course. He is the yin to my yang and we were destined to be friends. Dovear is actually an example of an extremely common trend in my life, which is people that don’t like me when we first meet, but acquire a taste for me, after being forced into it. Now we are forever friends. I’m sort of sad any time that I think about him, because our friendship is a shell of what it used to be… He can still make me laugh harder than anyone I’ve ever known… When I think of him certain things pop into my mind, here’s a list (I’m fond of lists): Oshkin and Anastasia Beeverhosen… Karen hugs… Schezuan Garden… college parties… RALPH Ralph ralph ralph… I feel pretty… L is for the way you look at me… big wheel keep on turning… Divas for life… divas in training… Boys Next Door… My name is Lucien P. Smith… “I am Lucien Percival Smith. And without me, without my shattered crippled brain, you will never again be frightened by what you might have become. Or indeed, by what your future might make you,”… remember the thread… Texas City’s copy cat set… rehearsing in the lobby… you’ll always be better than me… dreams of college… dreams of New York… dreams of just getting out… blonde moments… Madea… Harpo… “My whole life I had to fight…”… Heather the albino… Rice University… Driving lessons (abandoned)… Church Village… H-E-B… New Orleans… Rocky… 40… Okay, I’m crying now so that’s enough. I hate that you are leaving, but I know that it’s your dream and I know that one day we will be together again.

Erin – My only biological sister… my only full biological sibling… Erin and I are much the same… we are emotionally distant and emotionally clingy at the same time. Only we can fully understand why we are so emotionally stunted. There is so much that we cannot explain and that we have mutually repressed in order to function on the daily. We are damaged, but when we are together it’s like two parts of one person. We are twins that were born 2 years apart, and without her I am not whole.

Stephen

Derrick

Jenn

Oli

Daniel Potter

Preston

The rest of those are to be filled out later… I wrote a lot more than I intended for the ones that I did, so I am having finger cramps and I am flooded with memories that are making it harder for me to think.

I know that I don’t always express all these feelings so well… so this is my declaration… just so y’all know.

I have 4 blogs written that I have not yet posted. Want to know why? Well I am going to tell you anyway…

I have no internet at my house right now. We got electric last Wednesday and our first installation appointment was on Tuesday of last week, so obviously that didn’t work so well. We get our cable and internet today… our water tomorrow… and gas sometime in the near future. I’m sure you’re asking why we didn’t get all this stuff at once and the answer is really quite simple: money and complications.

Andrea and I absolutely love our new abode… Well, I do. I can’t quite speak for Andrea. Hopefully our water will be turned on by midday tomorrow.

As far as party prep goes… well, we have to pressure wash the front of the house and have the yard mowed…again!! I am compiling lists of recipes on Jell-o shots. I love Jell-o shots. We are going liquor shopping next week. I’m glad that we decided to wait a month on this, because had we not, we would not have had time to complete everything. I am such a dork. I know. I miss my fully stocked, antique bar from my old house. I wonder if I’ll ever find that again. It makes me so sad to think about it.

Having issues with the cable company. Lol… Andrea just called. I guess I’ll update more later.

This is why I try not to risk too much. I generally will not date someone that I am friends with. The more I value the friendship the less I want to chance it. There are very few exceptions to this rule and they know who they are… they also know that there is greater reasoning behind why they get an exception… Maybe they don’t know, on either of those accounts, but I do.

Today is Tuesday. Last night I did not lay my pretty, little head down to sleep until 1:30 AM… There is reasoning behind that as well… and I don’t even think that the people involved in last nights late night activities really know why I didn’t want to be left alone. No one will ever know. Sometimes I’m not so sure that I know myself.

Let’s face it, even if I do find the person listed on that page there is a large chance that I will muck it up and I will be forced (yet again) to start over. I have a tendency to overanalyze and it gets me into trouble.

I’m finding this blog hard to write……… maybe because I am overanalyzing my own feelings.

Anyway, rambling… What was my point? Oh, yah.

I’m looking for and idea not a person. I am looking for that picturesque soul mate that is only ever truly found in the movies. If you are a girl, I’m sure you’ve been left at some point or another wondering what became of that fictional couple with the happy ending. This is why love stories generally do not generate sequels… Because let me tell you something, five years down the line Prince Charming has an affair with that skank Snow White and Cinderella is left out in the hearth yet again…and she has a little princling to take care of all by herself. This is our reality. I want something more.

I want the house with the white picket fence reality.

1950’s television reality.

A dream, but a reality.

I want the guy that says the right things and means them.

I want the guy that knows just what to say to me when I tell him that my hands are cold… the first time.

I want the guy that can hold an intelligent conversation with me… and knows my favorite songs… and can argue with me… but admit when he’s wrong… and only laugh a little after he coerces me into admitting my mistakes… and I want him to laugh.

I want the guy that noticed every single grammatical flaw in my previous sentence, but holds that knowledge to himself, because he knows that I know too.

I envision: little houses, hard times, great times, family dinners, first days of school, tears, so many smiles, comfort, a little bit of misfortune, but mostly just bliss.